A Peace Beyond Understanding

I had just finished up with a meeting and was waiting on the next. I knew it would be awhile because I had been there 3 hours and been to only 5 of the 7 meetings I need to attend. So I open up my phone to finish up my game of “Bejeweled” I had been playing. That when I notice it. I had 4 voicemails, 12 missed calls and they all were from family this was all in less than 10 minute time frame. That moment my head began to swirl, I knew something was majorly wrong, but what? I grabbed my stuff and flew out of the room as I listen to the first voicemail from my older sister, Janella. My sister was sobbing uncontrollably, as she told me to call her back right away.

As I dialed her number, my mind went reeling, what could be wrong? Was it my stepdad? My little sisters? My niece? But when my sister answered and began to tell me what was wrong, I literally fell to my knees and begin to sob uncontrollable. I felt someone had punched me in my stomach and tore out my heart, and for longest moment of my life I had felt like I had just died.

It had been my older brother, Jace, he was dead. He was only 28 years old, I had just seen him at Thanksgiving and it was only January, just a little over a month ago. How could he be gone? I knelt there on the cold sidewalk with the simple feeling like I was in a nightmare as I heard the details of his death. Jace had doing much better but in recent months, he had lost his job, started back on drugs and started going down some of his old paths. He had recently moved from Arizona to Ohio to live with my mother because we felt that he might do better out there.

On Thursday January 20th, Jace walked into his old job at Walgreens, witnesses said they could tell he was drunk and may have also been high on drugs. He talked to a costumer for sometime before approaching his old boss. When she would not speak to my brother, Jace pulled out a gun and began threaten her. Asking her to just hear him out, but she was able to get away. Police had been called to the scene and when my brother began to leave the store, he ran to the back of the store. At this point he took his own life.

This was not the first suicide in our family, 5 years before Jace’s dad, John took his life and many years before that Grandpa George committed suicide also. So the news of my brother’s death struck a knife in many hearts and old memories of past pains where once again fresh in our lives.

That night, I went to a friends’ house. I was not fit to drive so I left my car across town. I wanted to be with someone but I was torn apart that by the time I got to their house all I wanted to do was be alone. So after they fell asleep, I slid out of their house and walked just over a mile back to my apartment. When I got home, I spent several hours crying, praying and grieving till I finally cried myself asleep.

For the next couple days, I completely closed myself off from others. I would return text but not calls; I would respond to some messages on Facebook but would not respond to emails. The honest truth was I didn’t know what to tell my family, I didn’t know how to comfort others when I hurt so badly. I had thrown myself fully in the arms of Jesus and held tightly to his hands. But I could not hold others up; I didn’t know what to say. I knew deep down that Jesus was the answer but I didn’t know how to share that with them. I couldn’t hold them up, only God could, but how could I tell them that, when I was a mess? I had not lost faith that God would heal my broken heart that He would comfort me but I knew it would take time. I felt like a failure, that I was selfish cause I was trying to grieve and not minister to my family but I realize later that it wasn’t me they need to lean on, but on God.

Sunday, I was a mess still. I put on a mask to hide my real pain from others; I didn’t want other to see just how much pain I had been really feeling. At church there was such a heavy spirit of grief and pain. I told myself that even if I don’t feel like it I would worship Him through this storm. During morning service, I worship but felt nothing. I couldn’t truly focus on God all I could feel was the pain. When service was over, I told myself that I would worship though this pain if it took 100 services to do it.

Before night service and during prayer, I kept praying that God would help me. To help me get beyond my pain but if I don’t feel Him tonight I would not give up. I would keep coming back and I wouldn’t stop worshipping God no matter how long it took. Though my soul felt torn, my heart broken and my life seemed shattered I still had the smallest flicker of faith that I just knew God could do it. When service began, there was not a heavy spirit in the church. As the church began to sing, everyone began to worship God. I still didn’t fell like praising but I made myself do it. I jumped even though I didn’t feel like jumping, I raised my hand even though my arms felt heavy and I still praise God even though I felt nothing.

Then I heard God talk to me, I realized I still had been think on all the recent events. My mind was cluttered by the pain, questions and fears. But I heard God talking so softly to me, “Focus on me, I am the answer to everything.” Closing my eyes, I began to not pray about my situation, not think about the pain, and not worry about a thing. Instead, I focus on God and God alone, worshipping Him, telling Him that He was a good God and my all in all. That when something broke within me, and instantly I felt peace, I didn’t understand why, I can’t explain how, I could only tell you that I felt peace.

How do you get that peace, of course only though Jesus. When Jesus was preparing His disciples, for his death and resurrections and a life without him physically on this earth, he said in John 14:25-27 “These things have I spoken unto you, being yet present with you. But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you. Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither be afraid.” That peace can only come from us by the Holy Ghost. After Jesus descended up into heaven, 7 days later on the day of Pentecost (as described in Acts 2) the gift of the Holy Ghost, the Comforter, that was promised. In Acts 2:39 in mention that this promise is not just for then but to their children and to all those God calls, that promise is still for us.

Philippians 4:7 states, “And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds though Christ Jesus.”

There is a peace that can only come from God, which goes beyond our understanding to keep guard over one’s heart and mind but only though Jesus. We may not understand, we may never get the answer to the questions, “Why” that we ask God. We don’t get why we have to feel this pain, or how we can go on. But God can give us peace, a peace that goes beyond anything man can comprehend to allow us to go on. It is not a peace that comes from a drink, from a drug, it not even peace that come to you after time passes, but a peace that heals you from the inside out. A peace you won’t be able to explain to another person. It’s can only come from God and only God alone.

It has been less than a month since my brother’s death; I can’t say that I haven’t had hard days since that Sunday night. I was close to my brother Jace and the pain of his death is still fresh in my life. There are days that I still feel the pain, things that will make me burst in to tears and certain things that I avoid cause it makes me hurt so much, but I have peace. I may not be able to explain why but I can tell you how you can find that peace, it only from God. It is God’s Peace that is beyond understanding that guards our hearts and minds.

At Peace,

Jacqueline Suzanne