I Will Never Leave You

A Journey with Cancer

“For he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” Hebrew 13:5

“Honey, you need to breath NOW.” “I will never leave you.” “Nothing wrong with you, you are just stressed.” “I will never leave you.” “You really need to see a specialist and soon.” “I will never leave you.” “We are going to do more test.” “I will never leave you.” “I’m sorry to tell you this, but you have cancer.” “I will never leave you.”

“The doctor won’t see you” “I will never leave you.” “The lump has grown drastically.” “I will never leave you.” “We need to reschedule your surgery again.” “I will never leave you.” “You don’t have cancer.” “I will never leave you.” “Calm down, you’re ok. Hold her down so she doesn’t hurt herself.” “I will never leave you.” “There is no doubt in my mind it was cancer and it was all over.” “I will never leave you.”

“You will be radioactive for just awhile.” “I will never leave you.” “If you don’t slow down and take care of yourself. You are not going to live to see your next birthday.” “I will never leave you.” “You should be in a coma right now.” “I will never leave you.” “I proud to tell you that you are in remission.” “I told you I will never leave you.”

I sat staring at the email in front of me and the questions before me. “Describe your cancer experience.” I fought back tears, as I struggled to remember. Thyroid Cancer had a way of fogging your mind. That year is built in my mind from a second hand experience from pictures; stories and vague memories, even thought it was my life. The only thing I remember is distinct moments when I face to face with harsh news; even then it was more of a dream then reality.

When I was in my late teens, I began to have warning signs that most doctors should of notice right away but I never saw my doctor, he was too busy. Instead I saw assistances and nurses and never the same one twice. One Sunday, I began having a tingling in my face, hands and toes for no reason. By the end of Sunday Night service, I had no feeling in my face, hands and feet and I simply panic and stop breathing. I end up going to the hospital; the doctors all shrugged it off as a panic attack, instead of the real reason extreme deficiency of calcium.

It was years later in 06’, when I was 21 that I finally was able to go back to my doctor who was my doctor for years. The quiet reserved old doctor look at me and told me that I need to go see an endocrinologist. But it took a youth trip that I was so sick that I spent most of the trip in misery. I struggled to breath even in the clear mountain air, I was extremely nauseas and many were mad thinking I was going to get them sick. When I return from my trip, I schedule an appointment which wasn’t till three months later.

The next couple months were a blur of appointments, test, and blood work. I was going in nearly weekly and even sometimes three or four times in a week. My doctor was not very talkative but the day that the test required a needle biopsy in my neck, I wouldn’t let him do a thing till he answers my questions. A week later, I found out I had Papillary Thyroid Cancer. I was too shocked to do a thing and the whole day I spent in a daze.

My doctor said it was good cancer because the survival rate is high but I have found through the years it is the most misunderstood cancer out of all the cancers. Treatment is so different, but no matter what cancer will always be cancer. Because I was diagnosed in December my doctor put everything off till the New Year. It wouldn’t be until March that I would see him again, during that time he realize the mistake of ignoring in me for so long. My cancer was growing fast. I became very sick. I couldn’t eat, I was nausea almost all time, and I began losing weight and became almost ghostly white.

I began searching for a surgery, the first doctor I saw seem like a quack doctor to me. He had magazine in his lobby that was older than me. I was always brought to a kid’s examining room and the doctor wanted to take out my tonsils more than the cancer. Then he became very angry with me when I said I had an appointment with another surgeon for a second opinion. I never came back and pray that I would find another doctor.

God bless me with a good surgeon, one of the best in the areas but he was overbooked and my surgery was rescheduled a couple times, but the date was set in early May of 07’ It wasn’t till 24 hours before the surgery, I realize the extent of what I was about to go through. I had to sign papers, make decisions most people at age 22 should never go through. My surgeon told my family that I did not have cancer and this confused me. I had been told many times that I did. I felt like a liar and began to wonder if I had misheard something. I was an emotional wreck as they pulled me away and for one moment I just wanted to run away. The three hour surgery turned into a four and half hour surgery. When I awoke, I came up fighting! I had six nurses holding me down which scared me horribly.

The one night stay in the hospital turn into six long days. The night of the surgery, the surgeon came in to check in on me. My family was all sitting around; I had to know one thing. I had indeed had cancer and it had been on both sides of the thyroid lobes and in six lymph nodes, which was all removed. I also had a tumor on my parathyroid; two were missing and only one good parathyroid which was transplanted into my arm.

The next couple weeks, I was just simply recovering and the first time is started feeling better. June, I was put on a strict diet to prepare for radiation. I would become radioactive for a couple days and would be restricted from being around people. My doctor refused to sign a release from work even though I wasn’t allowed to be around people. My doctor called me all kinds of names, I remember keeping my cool and walking out of his office forever. The radiologist instead signed the release forms.

In June, I had radioactive iodine, a pill that in a sense made me radioactive. For three days I was cut off from the world, I felt quite alone. I began to feel sick from the radiation and because I wasn’t under the care of a doctor and I struggled to find another doctor. I began getting so sick for the next couple months I became so weak I was forced to use a cane to get around. My joints hurt, I was exhausted and I had no desire to eat. I thought if I kept pressing on I could overcome it. My doctor told me otherwise and said I won’t see my 23rd birthday.

In the process of time, I finally was able to get into Mayo Clinic with an incredible doctor. Within just a few visits I began to get well. My cane was gone, I began to be able to function normal and my strength was a little better. The days that follow were simply taken one day at a time. I had setbacks, I had struggles but with God’s help I made it through.

I look again at the questions that the Thyroid Cancer Survivor Association had sent me. She wanted to write an article about my experience. “How did you feel when you were first diagnosed?” “How did cancer affect you?” “How did it change your life?” But one question pop out at me the most. “What is the most distinct moment or moments during this time?”

That would be easiest question to answer. When nothing seam clear, and daily activities became a challenge. Times when I would start driving and not remember where I was going, when I couldn’t remember what I was doing at that moment. Times when I couldn’t move because I was in pain, times when others didn’t believe me. Times when I would cry out to God asking Him where He was, times when I tried to quote scripture for comforter but could not remember any. During the times when confusion made it ruckus, when ignorance spoke boldly and when fear was strongest. It was in these moments when I would hear a still small voice, which simply said, “I will never leave you.”

Jacqueline